Picky Toddler Eating
Our daughter, Kaitlyn, the picture of toddler pickiness!
Why is it that we parents worry so much about how much our child is eating? I can remember thinking that how well Kaitlyn ate that day, determined how well I had parented. Not true! Children under the age of one usually nurse or formula feed well, and are eager for the introduction of solid foods. But seemingly over night, our toddlers start to have an opinion about what we feed them! I can remember being very frustrated because I was providing her with this wonderfully healthy meal, and often all she wanted was bananas! To make it more confusing, the next day she may have thrown all those bananas off her tray! My darling daughter was a typical toddler, and with toddlers, meals are often a challenge. Why?
- Toddlers have slowed down in growth.
- The first year of life a child grows very quickly, between birth and a year most children triple their birth weight! A toddler grows much more slowly and seems less hungry.
2. Eating interrupts a toddler’s activity.
- Toddlers are busy…any parent can tell you that. Sitting for any length of time just isn’t on the toddler’s agenda!
3. You can’t force a toddler to eat.
- A parent’s job is to present a toddler with a wide taste pallet of healthy foods every day. It is up to the child to eat them! The more you force, the more most toddlers turn up their noses. A healthy child offered healthy food will NOT starve themself! A parent’s job is to provide a healthy diet a toddler’s job is to decide!
4. Toddlers usually eat one good meal a day.
- Often toddlers will eat a good breakfast, an OK lunch and pick at dinner. Toddlers only need about 40 calories an inch. (Now don’t get that calculator out for your child!) Most will only need about 1000 to 1300 calories a day. By dinner, many toddlers have eaten their required calories for the day!
5. Toddlers like to binge on one food.
- Food jags are common in toddlers. One day you can’t fill them up on green beans, and then two days later it is bananas. Some days a toddler may eat only fruit, the next day they may fill up on protein. What a toddler eats over a week is a better picture of their diet intake.
So what is a parent to do….
- Relax!
- Offer food frequently! Toddlers need 3 meals and at least 2 snacks offered each day. Toddlers behave better when they are eating frequently. Their tummies are small and temper tantrums increase when blood sugars are low. Try planning snacks from at least 2 food groups 2 to 3 times a day.
- Dip it! Toddlers like to dip everything. It is fun, and it is messy…two essentials for toddler eating! Humus, yogurt, cottage cheese, guacamole, melted cheese, salsa, peanut butter and even ranch dressing are some essential dips for toddlers.
- Hide it! Hide the broccoli under cheese sauce, shred the veggies and mix them in humus or cream cheese and spread on a tortilla and cut into pin wheels, puree veggies and add them to pasta sauce, lasagna, meatloaf. Make “orange ” pancakes with sweet potato puree or carrot puree and a dash of cinnamon. Get sneaky! When you hide vegetables, make sure you include some on your child’s plate so they learn what a balanced diet looks like.
- Be creative! Kids like fun. Make faces on sandwiches, use cookie cutters and cut shapes in pancakes and bread, make shish-ka-bobs with fruit and pretzel sticks, make party bananas with sprinkles, serve fruit and yogurt in an ice cream cone, try smoothies, try serving foods in bento boxes
- Remember the toddler serving size! A serving size is a tablespoon per year. One serving of vegetables for a 2-year-old is two tablespoons! Many times we are trying to serve our toddlers adult size portions! The American Academy of Pediatrics has a great “sample” daily meal plan. Take a look!
- Don’t let your toddler “drink” his calories. A toddler should only have 16 ounces to a maximum of 24 ounces of milk a day. That is much less than the 28 to 32 ounces most were drinking before becoming toddlers! If your child drinks too much cow’s milk, he will not eat solid food calories! Too much milk provides too little iron and other needed nutrients! Juice should be limited to only 4 to 6 ounces a day after age 1, better to have the whole fruit than just the juice!
- Let your child “shop” for food. Give your child a few dollars and let them “shop” in the produce section. Your child will be more likely to eat the food he or she “buys”! You might learn to cook and eat a new fruit or vegetable too….you never know what your child may pick out! (this is how I learned to fix spaghetti squash!)
- Let your child “help” prepare food. A child who watches a parent make dinner and “helps” will often be more likely to eat! Let your child have a few choices, control is important for toddlers.
- Let your child be messy. Toddlers explore food with their mouths, taste buds, and hands. They smash food, throw food, spread food, “paint” with food and generally need a bath after most meals. You must allow your toddler to feed himself. You must introduce spoons and forks, and be patient with the fact that it takes time and messes to learn how to use them!
- Don’t battle…try a “No thank you bite”or “kiss me bite”. Toddlers have opinions, and sometimes they are very strong! The more battle there is in a meal, the more likely you will lose! Offer healthy foods and a variety of foods. If your toddler refuses to try something, introduce a “no thank you bite”. One bite and then he can refuse more. You might even ask your child to “kiss” the food, not even take a bite. This may provide just a small enough taste to convince your child to take a bite! Remember, it takes 15 to 20 introductions to a food before your child will develop a definite like or dislike!
Remember, a parent’s job is to PROVIDE healthy meals and snacks….a toddler’s job is to DECIDE what he or she will eat that day. If left alone, toddlers will usually balance their own diet if we just provide good choices. Relax….
Take a breath, enjoy the joyful moments of each day, and remember you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.
Cindy
Helpful Websites:
Baby Sign…How do you start?
Teach your child sign…help him express his feelings! The “I love you” sign can be used as a special sign for many years to come!
How do you start?
1. Familiarize yourself with signs through books, websites or other sources.
- There are many resources on the web…don’t try to learn all the signs, you will be starting with just a few!
2. Be realistic
- Feel free to start signing with your child at a young age, but most children aren’t able to communicate using signs until around 9 months at the earliest! (yes even your extremely smart, gifted child!:)) Children must be able to engage with you and then have the fine motor control to make the sign (or at least something similar to the sign). This will happen around that 9 or 10 month mark.
3. Choose a sign.
- Most parents choose a sign that involves eating such as milk, eat, more and all done. This will let your child to ask for things that he or she may need. These words give your child a bit of “power” to obtain things they want!
- You may also want to choose a few signs that may be exciting to your child. Words like Mommy, Daddy, and Dog or other words that are common in your child’s world.
- You will want to choose about three signs that you will work on with your child. Show the sign before, during and after the activity and every time you do the activity.
- There are a few websites that have pictures and directions for some of the most common signs a parent may use. A great site is http://www.babysignlanguage.com This site has a video showing each sign.
4. Make it interactive
- Hold your baby on your lap and try helping him make the signs with his hands. Talk while signing to give the sign context or meaning. Remember, your baby will be able to understand your words and the sign before he will be able to make the sign!
5. Be consistent.
- Use the sign every time you do the activity. Consistency is the key. If you are giving your baby milk, sign and say “milk”, give your baby a bottle or nurse and sign and say “milk” several times while your baby is eating.
- Work the signing into everyday life. Don’t just sign at home–sign when you are out and about and encourage anyone who is with your child consistently to use the signs too.
6. Use your chosen signs until your baby begins to sign back to you.
- When your baby connects or understands a sign, then you may choose another sign and start the process over. Do not drop the signs your baby has learned. The more signs your baby learns, the easier it will be for him to pick up new ones. As soon as your baby links the sign to the word, the flood gates tend to open! Suddenly your child will begin to pick up on new signs readily. This is how verbal expressive language develops too!
7. Expect your child to recognize a sign before he can actually sign it back to you.
- This is just like the spoken word. A child will understand a sign or a word before he or she is able to sign the word or speak it. Don’t give up, keep signing. You will start to see your child get excited when you sign “milk”, “eat”, or “book” as your child understands what the sign means.
8. Expect that your child may start out using the same sign for several things.
- This is like verbal expression when a child uses the word Ma Ma for every female adult. Do not become frustrated. Continue to be consistent in the signing and your child will “get it”.
9. Expect a signing increase when a child realizes that a sign will get him something!
- Your child will start to soak up signs like a sponge–just as he will when he becomes verbal. It is so exciting to see your child get excited about communicating.
10. Be happy, sign with enthusiasm.
- An excited parent who signs will make a child want to sign.
- Read books and sign as you read. Show your child the sign for animals, cars, trucks, whatever you are reading about! Pick out signs that your child is interested in!
- Be expressive. Use your face, body and hands when you sign. Make it fun and interesting. Make good eye contact with your child when you sign.
- Play games to encourage signing. Blow bubbles outside and then stop, push your child in a swing and then stop, and then sign the word “more”. Introduce the sign for “please” and “thank you”. This early introduction to manners will continue when your child is verbal.
11. Be open to interpretation.
- Your child will not make a sign correctly the first time–just like learning to talk. Get excited with any general attempt at the sign, then show the correct sign to your child as you say the word.
- Reinforce any sign your child attempts, as your child develops better fine motor skills, the signing will become more clear.
12. Praise.
- Be excited when your baby signs words! Give lots of positive reinforcement for any attempt!
13. Be patient.
- Babies can take weeks or even months before they make their first sign.
- The perfect time to start is about age 6 months, many babies will attempt their first sign at about 9 to 10 months.
- It is never too late to start signing. Children who are very frustrated because of a lack of communication between 16 and 30 months will pick up sign language quickly.
14. Keep Talking!!
- Sign should never replace words! Spoken words are important for language development. Talk and sign….then talk some more! The number of words your child hears is directly related to language development. Let your child see your mouth as you speak and your hands as you sign. Face to face interaction is important for their language development and helping children understand emotions.
Children often will lose the sign as the verbal word is developed; but you can keep the signs by continuing to use them with the word . Use of signs is a great way to get messages to your child when you are not in speaking distance or are in a crowd. How nice it is to sign the word “potty” without having to yell it across the room! More wonderful is seeing my kids sign “I love you” out the car window as they drive off!
Take a breath, enjoy the joyful moments of each day, and remember you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.
Cindy
Is it time to ditch the diapers?
I think she had to go! 🙂
There are definitely parts of parenting that I like less than others. I know when potty training time rolled around for each of the kids, it was one of those moments when a crazy thought like, “How bad would it be to skip this?” would cross my mind. The next time that thought would cross my mind would be around 3rd grade when it was time to memorize multiplication tables! But, I made it through potty training with all 4 kids and all 4 of them know their times tables….so I guess I can add those to my parenting successes list!
When is a child ready for the big step of potty training? The average age of potty training has slowly creeped up to around age 3. I think there are a couple of reasons for this. One, we are very busy families. Families are on the go, and routines are busy. Potty training takes some consistent effort and time, many times it is hard to find consistent time at home near a potty! The other big reason I feel that potty training is later is disposable diapers. Disposables wick “pee” so well from the skin, that it is difficult for a child to even know when he or she is wet! Disposable diapers and disposable training pants are being made larger and larger, so the need to potty train becomes later and later.
Using the potty is a huge accomplishment! It is a very complex achievement. First a child has to be aware of the sensations of a full bowel and bladder. Next the child learns that these feelings result in a “pee” and a “poop”. The child then must learn how to remove clothes, sit on a potty and hold the pee and poop until he is ready to go, and then finally release those muscles necessary to let the pee and poop come out! No wonder it is such a task to learn!!
Potty training is a learning process not a disciplinary process, there should never be a punishment connected to using the bathroom. I don’t believe that most children can be trained in just a few days! Your child has to understand what you want, and how to do it. They have to understand their body sensations, learn to constrict sphincter muscles, and then relax those muscles to potty. Children also must be motivated and want to please you. If your child is showing an interest in imitating it is a good time to start.
Children will not potty train on their own. Parents must wait until their child is developmentally ready—have patience with the process, but also must initiate it. Children will not just wake up potty trained one morning! Children need the guidance and patience of parents to learn to use the potty and eventually gain control of their “pee” and “poop”.
So is your child ready for the big step? Most children have the muscle control to potty train between 18 months and 3 years of age. Here are a few things to look for when deciding if you both are ready to tackle this process:
- Is your child aware of the need to go? Does your child tell you or do you see a change in facial expression? Does your child hide to have a bowel movement?
- Can your child say or sign words such as wet, dry, potty and go?
- Is your child demonstrating imitative behavior?
- Does your child dislike wet or dirty diapers?
- Is your child able to stay dry for at least 2 hours or wake up dry after a nap?
- Is your child able to pull elastic waist pants up and down?
- Is your child anxious to please you?
- Has your child asked to use the potty?
- Make sure there is not a stressful situation in your life such as weaning, birth of a new baby, change in childcare etc. Wait 4 to 6 weeks after the stressful situation before beginning.
Pre potty training or getting ready!
If your child is 18 months or older…you can begin with these steps so you are ready when your child shows signs of readiness too!
- Name urine and bowel movements. Describe what your child has done using the words you have chosen. There are no “perfect” words, call it what it is! 🙂 My husband wasn’t thrilled when I was telling our son to “tinkle”, be sure you both agree and are consistent! When you see your child begin to have a bowel movement or urinate, describe what he or she is doing. “Go potty”—say this as you see signs your child is pooping or peeing. Describing to your child that they should pee or poop when they feel the pressure, helps to define to them what it is you want them to eventually do on the potty.
- Let your child watch you use the toilet. This will get your child interested and show them what that toilet is for! Gone are your days of privacy!!
- Change your child’s diaper as soon as it is wet or dirty to prevent your child becoming comfortable with the feel.
- Drop the poop into the toilet with your child watching. Encourage your child to help flush the toilet. This will also show your child what goes in the toilet! Flushing is usually very exciting too!
- Purchase a potty chair. You can line the receptacle with plastic wrap—then you can wrap up any poop or pee and dispose of it easily with very little clean up. Or, you can purchase a seat that fits on the adult toilet. I have used both but preferred the latter, much easier with clean up. If you use the seat that fits on the adult toilet, be sure that your child has a stool to put his or her feet on, it is hard to have a bowel movement with feet dangling! The potty chair can be moved to any place in your home and is better for children that have some fear of the “higher” toilet. See what is best for both of you.
- Allow your child to sit on the potty clothed. Let your child sit dolls or stuffed animals on the potty. This will familiarize your child with the potty slowly. Reward or celebrate when your child sits on the potty.
- Buy a “potty book” or movie to start talking about big children using the potty. Here are some cute examples…
- Everyone Poops By Taro Gomi
- I Want My Potty By Tony Ross
- My Big Girl Potty By Joanna Cole
- My Big Boy Potty By Joanna Cole
- Once Upon a Potty By Alona Frankel
- The Princess and the Potty By Wendy Cheyette Lewison
- What Do You Do with a Potty? By Marianne Borgardt (a pop up book)
- Have a basket of toys or books that are only used while on the potty. This will make potty time more fun.
So, this is the starting point! Your child is between 18 months and 2 years, you can begin to introduce the concept. When your child starts to exhibit some signs of readiness….the next step is giving it a try! More to come on this tomorrow!
Take a breath, enjoy the joyful moments of each day, and remember you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.
Cindy
Will preschool help your child be academically successful?
Preparing your child for school success includes outings like this! School readiness is not just about letters and numbers!
It is that time of year when parents are beginning to look at preschools for next year. Sometimes I feel that there is more pressure on parents to find “just the right preschool” than deciding on a college! Preschool is a must for some children, but it is NOT a must for every child. Studies have shown us that children who have engaged parents who read to them and provide various activities at home but don’t attend preschool are not at any academic disadvantage. Some recent studies continue to show us that any academic edge a child may receive from preschool may fade by the 3rd grade.
So, do I think preschool is a waste? Absolutely not, I feel it is very advantageous to those children who have fewer opportunities. I also think that with Kindergarten now being a full day, a year of preschool often helps children adjust to the rigor of school. It has become more necessary for children to have at least one year of preschool to help with the adjustment, prepare the child for following directions, learning to sit still for periods of time, and the general routine of school. However, I do think that the choice of preschool attendance for 2 and 3 year olds from families who are able to provide outings, hands on activities, and reading at home is an option. Many children LOVE their preschool experience, and Moms often enjoy some time to themselves. Children also can learn very valuable social skills and have the opportunity to participate in some play activities that are not always offered at home like finger-painting and other messy play. However, everything that a quality preschool offers can be offered at home by a loving, involved and active parent, if they would like. At times I think parents are sent the message that they are not capable of providing the necessary experiences for their child to develop well and be successful in school. Parents feel inadequate in the task of preparing their preschooler for academic success. This is simply not true. Attending preschool will not insure that a child will be more successful in school and unfortunately will not guarantee admission to Harvard! More important than letters and numbers, a preschooler needs to develop life skills, social skills, self-confidence, and emotional maturity to be successful in school. To help with success in kindergarten, a child needs these basics:
- Good physical health so their natural abilities can grow and mature.
- Appropriate emotional maturity and self-confidence so they can accept new challenges.
- Good language skills so they can ask questions and participate in group activities.
- Good social skills so they will be able to share and interact with other children.
- Good listening skills to be able to follow directions.
- Familiarity with letters, letter sounds and numbers.
- The ability to sit still for short periods of time.
We are finding that a child does not need a structured academic program in a preschool; he or she needs the opportunity to develop social and emotional skills. Children who do not have that opportunity at home will benefit from a preschool program.
Young children learn best through playing, exploring, and discovering. Imaginative play will actually improve high level thinking which improves a child’s chances of school success. Forcing pencil and paper academics and academic drills too early might actually decrease a child’s natural desire to explore and learn!
What makes a good preschool?
- A preschool should be convenient for parents! If it causes stress to get to school because of location or time of day, it will not be worth it to you or your child.
- Children should be active in the classroom playing and/or working in groups or stations.
- There should be hands-on materials and activities available. Pretend play items; dress up clothes, water play, easels, painting, clay etc.
- Children should have individual time and group time with the teachers. There should be 1 adult/teacher for every 4 to 5 children.
- Children should have their work displayed in the classroom…and it should not all look the same! Children should have the opportunity to be creative with projects.
- The learning of numbers and letters should be embedded in activities throughout the day, not in concentrated lessons or drills.
- There should be outside play daily (weather permitting).
- There should be a developed curriculum that provides some structure to the day.
- Teachers should have an Early Child Development background/education.
- There should be a stable teaching staff with little turnover.
- Music should be incorporated into the curriculum.
- Daily life skills should be incorporated into the curriculum like buttoning, shoe tying, putting on jackets, picking up toys, sitting for short periods to listen and following directions.
- There should be opportunity for children to socialize in play with other children freely learning sharing, taking turns, and other social skills.
- Children should be read to in groups and individually.
- “Field trips” to experience the world should be included in the curriculum. Trips to apple orchards, parks, the zoo, nature centers and other community destinations are important.
What can you do at home?
- Provide time for imaginative play. Be sure that you have toys that encourage creativity and imagination.
- Provide time to use paint, clay, scissors, crayons, chalk, water play, and other tactile fine motor play.
- Provide outdoor play daily (weather permitting).
- Expose your child to the world by going to the grocery store, post office, library, zoo, park, nature center, apple orchard, pumpkin patch, and other places. Talk about your outings!
- Read daily. Provide books that your child can “read” alone.
- Talk about stories that you read. Ask your child what will happen next! Let your child tell you the story.
- Provide music. Sing songs and dance.
- Point out letters on signs, talk about funny words, find words that rhyme, talk about the sounds that words begin with.
- Point out numbers, count items when playing, incorporate counting into everyday life.
- Have a routine at home; following routines will help when your child has structure and routine at school.
- Allow your child to dress himself. Practice buttoning, shoe tying, independently going to the bathroom, hand washing, and other independent life skills.
- Give your child directions to follow. Start with one step directions and then move to two steps, and three and four step directions.
- Give your child developmentally appropriate chores or responsibilities. (Pick up toys, carry dishes to the sink, put dirty clothes in the hamper etc.)
- Provide sorting and sequencing opportunities. Use a muffin tin for your child to sort different cereal, colored pompoms, letters, or other items. Let your child help you sort socks!
- Help your child recognize his or her name in print.
- Talk about shapes your child may see around the house or outdoors.
- Provide opportunities for your child to play with children his or her own age.
We all want our children to be successful in school. I believe however that the most important skills our preschool aged children need are not academic but social. Children are very pliable; we can teach a child to do many things at a very young age. We can teach a 2-year-old to recite numbers and letters, and we can even teach many 4 year olds to read….but I question at what cost? Will our children develop those skills that are truly needed for success in school? The skills that will allow him or her to problem solve, interact socially in a respectful and appropriate manner, follow directions and listen, and think with innovation and creativity; those are what are most important. So whether your child is in preschool or at home, be sure you are opening up the world to him or her, not pressuring academics too early and then your child just might end up heading to Harvard! What are your thoughts?
Take a breath, enjoy the joyful moments of each day, and remember you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.
Cindy
My life is like a laundry basket….
My life is like a laundry basket. Wow, that does not sound too terribly profound or exciting! I came to that conclusion this morning as I carried a meager load to the laundry room before work. I looked at my basket and it was nearly empty. For whatever reason, my laundry basket has been a thermometer of my stress level as a Mom. I can remember thinking, if I can just get this laundry under control I will be able to breathe! It seemed that every time I could almost see the bottom of the basket, or some days the laundry room floor, another load of clothes would just show up! When all 4 kids were small, the basket was always full of little socks, onesies, outfits with spit up, and wet little underwear of the child who was currently being potty trained. Soon, that laundry room was full of white shirts, plaid skirts, and navy pants as the 4 kids were in grade school uniforms. The high school days brought more laundry…and very smelly laundry. I had sweaty socks, running shorts and shirts and the dreaded football practice pants and jersey that literally “walked” into the laundry room on Friday afternoons after a week of sitting in a football locker. I would wash and fold and then see those same sweaty smelly socks (inside out, my pet peeve) return the next day it seemed.
Soon that basket began to empty. As one child after another left for college, but it was only temporary. Believe me, the laundry would come home again on breaks and for the summer. When the college kid came home, I was greeted with a hug and a lot of laundry that needed a little extra stain stick, a little hotter water, and a little better folding.
This morning my basket was nearly empty. It has been that way for most of this year as Brad and I have entered that “empty nester” phase. It seemed strange at first to have that nearly empty basket, but Brad and I have really enjoyed many of the perks of getting used to just the two of us again. Well guess what, I will soon have adult children visiting. As I stand in the laundry room I get a little flood of excitement about what the next few weeks will bring. We will have some activity in the house, noise after 10:00 pm, a few extra friends that drop by and raid my pantry, a little bigger grocery bill, a dinner table with a few more plates and a couple of kids that will actually want me to cook, some late night conversations about life, bathrooms with toothpaste on the mirror again, conversations about picking clothes up off the floor, a few more cars in the drive, and yes….all the “stuff” they bring home in bins, bags, and boxes. Do you know what else? My laundry basket will be full again, and I can hardly wait.
Take a breath, enjoy the joyful moments of each day, and remember you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.
Cindy
This Valentine’s Day, Commit to 4 Goals….
Commit to your relationships with 4 simple goals…..
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Walking into Target, the aisles are full of pink and red and signage promising if you purchase this your Valentine will forever be yours! Yes, Valentine’s Day may be a marketing ploy more than a real day to celebrate love, but it is a great time to stop and think about your relationship at home. Let’s be honest, parenting can be tough. It takes a lot of effort to raise children, and there are points during the child raising process that there just does not seem time for anything else! But the fact is, time spent on your relationship with each other is vitally important for your happiness and your child’s. So often the blessing of children results in both parents totally concentrating on their children and not putting any effort into their relationship with each other. I was guilty of this at times. When our four children were younger, I can remember times when the only conversation I had with my husband revolved around if we had enough milk and who was driving to the next sporting event! Not a whole lot of romance there….but more importantly not a whole lot of relationship building. A relationship will not stay healthy for 18 years if there is only effort put forth on raising your child! So as Valentine’s Day approaches, take a moment and thing about investing in each other……a few thoughts to get the process going….
One of the best pieces of advice I ever read was from a book Creative Counterpart. Over the years I have put this philosophy to work, recommitting to this over and over again when life became unbalanced.
Set four goals each day.
- One goal should be for you. Something that you will do that day to “fill yourself up.” Remember an empty pitcher cannot give anything. Some days that might be 30 minutes of reading, maybe time to reflect, maybe a run, or possibly a big bowl of ice cream and chocolate! Something for yourself.
- A second goal should be for your husband. Not something for him to DO, but something you do for him. I call it every day intimacy…this might be concentrating that day on giving a compliment or two, maybe leaving a post-it love note, an extra kiss or cuddle for no reason…something to build relationship. Did you thank your partner for bringing home milk or folding the laundry? Have you told your partner that he still makes your heart go pitter patter? When was the last time you cuddled on the couch? Have you asked each other how you are? What about a 60 second hug….can you do it? Can you have a conversation that doesn’t include your child? Can you plan a date night at home? Get creative! Physical intimacy follows every day intimacy…..the every day niceness between two people who care about each other.
- A third goal should be for your child. Something little you will do extra with him or her. Maybe you will read an extra story, or you finally will get the finger paints out, or bake cookies, or just a few minutes of extra cuddle time before bed. Again, these are small goals…nothing crazy like trips to Disney.
- Finally a goal for your home. Kids and life can result in chaos in a home. I am not talking about a goal to wash walls and baseboards, but a small daily goal to control the chaos. Maybe today you will wipe out all the bathroom sinks, tomorrow you will put the laundry away, or maybe you will dust or vacuum one room. These small goals will result in a home that feels more content rather than chaotic.
Those four daily goals will bring balance to your life. Every day kindness will become a habit and some of the negativity that creeps into many relationships when kids become the center of life will be squelched. Take time to remember why you fell in love.
Recommit to living your life and not being dragged along for the ride. Fill yourself up, give to your relationships, and take a bit of control in your home. Now fold to the pressure and go buy Valentines for your special someones…everyone needs to be reminded that they are loved.
Take a breath, enjoy the joyful moments of each day, and remember you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.
Cindy
Sleep like a baby…really?
Establishing a calming routine before bed is important!
When I brought our oldest Corri home from the hospital, I thought I knew about the sleep patterns of infants. After all, I had the degrees to prove that I was an “educated” Mom! The truth is, nothing can prepare you for the lack of sleep that new parents usually experience. Quickly my plans to reorganize my closets during Corri’s long daytime naps (don’t newborns sleep all the time?) went by the way side. Yes, newborns DO sleep a lot…just in very short intervals. Corri never slept long enough for any reorganization of closets, and when she did sleep I was too tired to reorganize. Oh, the lessons of a new parent!
Sleep is VERY important for our babies, and for you! There are some sleep tips for new parents that will help your baby “learn” to sleep and establish good patterns for the future. I firmly believe that our children are largely sleep deprived because of our busy schedules. Good sleep is essential for healthy children, clear through the teen years! Many of the healthy sleep habits you establish with your young children will result in healthy sleep habits for a lifetime.
The first 3 months of a baby’s life there is no real routine. Anything that you read that tells you that you can establish or “force” routine at this age is mistaken. I do not think that baby sleep training books are valuable at this age, and they can really be destructive to your baby’s establishment of good sleep habits. Your job as a parent during the first year is to help your baby realize that the world is a great place! When your baby cries, you need to respond. Baby will quickly learn to trust you and feel loved. You cannot spoil a newborn! You CAN spoil an older child, but that discussion is for another day!
Newborn sleep patterns are different from adults. They have sleep cycles that are much shorter than ours, and have longer patterns of active sleep rather than deep sleep, especially in the first 3 months. Parents often complain that their infant will “cat nap” . This is a fairly normal pattern during the first 3 months of life. Very young infants do not know how to self soothe either. Those skills develop after the first 3 months also. Here are a few tips that will help establish good sleep habits for the future. Remember, there is light at the end of the tunnel, life will become easier after the first few months.
1. Know your baby’s sleep cues…do not let your baby become over tired.
Most parents in the beginning have a bit of a difficult time learning sleep cues. Newborn babies should not be up longer than an hour and a half to two hours maximum. If your baby becomes overly tired, it is much more difficult for your baby to sleep! Look for your baby to rub at his or her eyes, begin to blank stare and not engage, yawn, and fuss. When you see some cues, take a look at the length of time your baby has been awake. The next time your baby is awake, start the process of putting him or her down for a nap 15 minutes earlier. This way you never miss the window of opportunity, an overstimulated baby does not sleep well. You often will feel like all you have time for is a feeding, a diaper change, a small amount of interaction and then your baby is ready to sleep again!
2. Swaddle your baby.
Newborns until the end of the 4th month have a reflex that causes them to startle. You often will see your baby twitch, grimace, have a sweet sleep grin and jump during the early active sleep pattern. The twitching and jumping or moro reflex as it is called, will wake your baby. If you swaddle using a light blanket or a swaddle sleep sack, your baby will not wake with a startle as often and will feel more secure. Many moms and dads will tell me their baby does not like the swaddle. I encourage you to try it again. Try swaddling your baby before a nursing or feeding, or before you begin to rock your child to calm. Most of the time babies will relax into the swaddle and love it! They look like a cute baby burrito!
3. Try white noise.
Babies heard white noise inside mom’s womb during the entire pregnancy. This sound is very calming to a newborn. My 2nd daughter loved the sound of a blow dryer. She was a fussy baby, and quickly my blow dryer became part of the decor of my family room. Now, there are white noise machines, white noise phone apps, and white noise CDs that parents swear by, a much better look than the blow dryer! White noise can be part of a “switch” that helps soothe a fussy baby. You might even try getting your face down by your baby’s ear and “shsh shsh shsh”, which will work too.
4. Provide day and night/ light rhythm.
Many newborns get their days and nights mixed up. There is nothing worse than an infant that sleeps well during the day and is up all night! Moms often notice that babies before birth are more active at night too! To help your baby learn the day and night pattern, keep the daytime hours light with normal noise patterns in your home. Light on our eyes helps to cue our bodies to when it is time to be awake and when it is time to be asleep. That is part of the reason we feel so sleepy during the gloom of dark winter days! Stand in front of a window with your baby and expose your baby to natural light. Do not darken the rooms for your baby to nap during the day and keep regular noise in the house. No tip toeing! In the evening, start to dim lights and keep things calm and quiet about an hour before “bedtime”. Then with every nighttime feeding keep the room dark, do not change the diaper unless it is dirty, and do not interact. Just feed your baby and put back to bed. Eventually your baby will learn the difference between day and night and sleep more soundly and longer during the night hours. This pattern of day and night will help older children and adults fall to sleep more easily too!
5. Wake your baby to eat during the day.
Do not let your baby sleep longer than 2 hours during the day. Wake your baby to eat, and unless your doctor advises you differently, never wake a sleeping baby at night! You want your baby to receive most of their nutrition during the waking hours, and less at night.
6. Move with your baby!
Movement will calm a baby to sleep. Rocking, swinging, and wearing your baby will all help lull your little one into a deep sleep pattern. Rocking to sleep is fine in the early months. Many parents have a hard time transitioning from the swing or arms to bed without the baby waking. Do the limp arm test! Remember that babies have a very active sleep pattern before they move into a deep sleep. If you try to transfer when your little one is still grimacing, sleep grinning, or you see rapid eye movement under closed eye lids, most likely your baby will wake quickly. Rock or provide movement until your baby has transitioned from the active sleep pattern to a deep sleep. You will be able to pick up your baby’s arm and feel that it is limp. When you see that, then it is much easier to place your baby in the crib and your baby stay asleep.
7. Use a pacifier.
Babies need to suck many times to sleep soundly. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends using a pacifier at sleep as a deterrent to SIDS. Sucking calms a baby. A baby that tends to become over stimulated easily often needs more suck time. I am a big believer in the pacifier or a thumb or finger sucker resulting in a calm baby. We can worry about the habit later!
8. Establish a sleep routine.
The earlier your baby connects routine with sleep the better. Do the same thing every time you put your baby to bed and quickly your child will connect those activities with sleep. This pattern will develop good sleep patterns all the way to adulthood! So, plan the feeding, bathing, massage, rocking, singing, reading pattern that works for you! Keep the routine simple and repeatable. The bedtime or nap time routine should not be longer than about 20 minutes. You can establish a bedtime for your baby even though you know you will be up again! Just treat every feeding after “bedtime” as a night-time feeding. Children in general are wired early to bed early to rise! Have an early bedtime for a good sleeper and for you to have an evening of “adult time”.
9. Do not let your baby “cry it out” until 6 months.
The first 6 months parents need to respond to a crying baby at night. After 6 months, most babies are developmentally ready to sleep a stretch through the night. When you are emotionally ready and after your baby is at least 6 months old, you can do the “baby shuffle” and check on your baby every 5 to 10 minutes without picking your baby up. Comfort your baby with a “shh” go to sleep, a pat and then leave. The first night you may be “shuffling” in and out of the nursery for an hour or more. The 2nd night will be shorter and usually by the 3rd or 4th night your baby will comfort to sleep on his or her own. You must be consistent and not give in. Soon you will put a drowsy baby to bed and your baby will be able to fall asleep without your assistance!
10. Even with doing all the “right things” babies have sleep disturbances.
Children will have periods of sleep disturbances through all developmental stages. With each new skill a baby learns, example rolling over, there will often be a sleep pattern disturbance. Babies like to practice at night! There is also teething, separation anxiety, illness….many reasons you will see disturbances even when you are doing all the right things in establishing good sleep patterns. Always go back to the basics each time. Good sleep is essential! Teaching healthy sleep patterns is a huge gift to your child, and you!
Soon you will be getting longer stretches of sleep….until those darn teen years creep up and you find yourself waiting up for your child! That is another issue another day! 
Take a breath, enjoy the joyful moments of each day, and remember you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.
Cindy
I love these sleep resources:
The No-Cry Sleep Solution
Elizabeth Pantley
The Happiest Baby on the Block
Dr. Harvey Karp
Sweet Dreams
Paul M Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H., F.A.A.P
Joyful parenting….be mindful.
- Parenting is a gift….there is not doubt about it.
- It is a difficult job, no doubt about it.
- Days can feel very long and mundane no doubt about it.
- Society tells us we should be tired, we should be less happy raising children than our childless counter parts.
- Studies show us that stressed unhappy parents raise children who are less happy and satisfied with life.
- Remember that we cannot give our children that which we do not have. If we are not happy/joyful, we cannot give that happiness or joy to our children.
So how can we enjoy this wild ride of parenting and raise children in a home that is happy and joyful? How can we look at our day to day life and realize that yes, the days may be long; but the years really are very short. I often remind parents, there are only 936 weekends from birth to age 18! Wow!
I have 6 simple tips that I believe will help you navigate these 936 weeks between birth and age 18 (believe me you will parent well beyond age 18!) with grace and joy.
- Balance your life.
Each day plan how you will achieve 4 goals.
One goal for yourself
What can you do for yourself today? How can you fill your pitcher? An empty pitcher cannot give! What fills you up? Prayer? Exercise? Long bath? Journal? Hobby? Chatting with friends? Reading? Take 20 minutes a day to fill yourself. Actually set a goal for this and a plan!
One goal for your husband/significant other
We often lose connection with the most important person in our life during the child rearing years. We must concentrate on maintaining that relationship. What small act can you do each day to remind this person that you love them. A quick love note? Sticky note on the mirror? Special dinner? Some one on one time? A simple thank you? Actually set a goal for this and a plan!
One goal for your home
When our homes are in disarray, we often feel out of control. Plan one short task a day to keep your home in control. This can be wiping out the bathroom sinks, mopping a floor, dusting one room, cleaning out one drawer, changing your sheets…one 20 minute task each day. Do NOT try to clean your whole house in a day….one simple task. Actually set a goal for this and a plan!
One goal for your children
I know, you do things for your child every single moment of the day! But, if you plan something fun for each day this brings some joy. Plan one thing to do that is simply fun. The park? Library? A craft? Bake some cookies? Reading an extra story at bedtime? ….one simple activity. Actually set a goal for this and a plan!
2. Ignore behaviors that are irritating…react unemotionally with your discipline.
- Parents are trying to live up to standards that are often simply unattainable. We cannot provide endless attention and endless activities for our children. Children learn that behaviors such as whining, complaining, tantrums often result in more attention from Mom and Dad and even may result in more screen time or snacks as exhausted parents try to buy a little quiet. Remember, attention is attention to a child. Even negative attention with yelling or arguing is attention. I often tell parents that paying attention to whining or annoying behavior is like scratching a bug bite, it increases the itch! The more you pay attention to annoying behavior like whining….the more your child does it!
- Don’t negotiate. Children should have some input into decisions but at the end of the day you make the decisions. Toddlers and preschoolers need a simple explanation…not a dissertation. Teens will need a bit more discussion….but in the end the decision is yours. Once you begin the negotiation process, children think everything is up for debate. Give choices that are real and control over things children should have control over.
- Give your child grace…forgive and forget. Let go….. Overlook small misbehaviors and pick your battles. Always end with a hug after discipline.
3. Do the unexpected
- Break the rules……be a little silly. Stay in your PJs one whole day, have milk shakes for dinner, say yes a little more, celebrate everything! Try to learn from your child…learn to live in the moment. When they are playing they are not thinking about what is happening next or what happened yesterday. They are enjoying right down…we are at risk of missing joy when we are constantly in a rush.
- Give yourself grace…sometimes doing the unexpected is simply easier, and more fun. If doing the unexpected results in something not being accomplished on your list, give yourself grace. Remember the laundry basket is never empty.
4. Play more
- What is one activity or part of your day that you wish could be more fun or easier? What can you do to make it more fun? Work play into your day and enjoy it! Don’t think of the mess or the things on your list you are not doing. Remember to live in the moment and play is a child’s work!
5. Have less family screen time, put the phone away.
- Screen time, especially social media, can cause us to concentrate on it and detach us from the people who are with us in the moment. Less minutes on screens results in more moments “in the moment” with family and friends.
- Ask yourself what would happen if you were inaccessible for a period of time. Put down the phone.
6. Develop family traditions and rituals
- Tradition is the glue to your family. Traditions create fun and supports your family morals and values. Daily rituals and traditions bring stability to your child and family.
Recap….
Joyful parenting is a mindset…
- it is staying balanced,
- it is about playing, being silly and ignoring behavior that is simply irritating,
- it is about being mindful…keeping your mind in the moment and not on what is next or comparisons to others,
- it is about keeping your screen time to a minimum and concentrating on your husband, your child, and the life you have now,
- it is about letting your child be a child and not worrying about over scheduling and competitive parenting,
- it is about building a family with tradition and value,
- It is about giving yourself, your spouse and yes your child grace….
- Grace goes a long way in bringing peace and joy to you and your family. Remember….936 weekends.
Take a breath, enjoy the joyful moments of each day, and remember you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.
Cindy
“We always do that!” Why Family Tradition is Important!
Our “traditional” Christmas tree. A little more “perfectly” decorated than years past….there are ornaments even on the bottom of the tree now!
If we are smart we listen to our children when they say “That is how we always do it!” or “That is what we always do!” even when we have only done it that way one other time. Your child is not just talking about the good time he had, but the fact that it meant something to him and he thinks to you too. One of my favorite quotes is from the book The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, “We live not by things, but the meaning of things.” It is not what you do or eat that is important, it is the meaning and feeling that comes with what you are doing that is so important to your child.
There are 3 important “anchors” in a family, our family values, our family rules, and our family rituals and traditions. If we don’t take time to develop each of these….we usually will run on a “default” mode of doing what is easy at the time. Being intentional as a family is very important.
Values… what is most important to your family. Values are what you want to pass to your children. For some families these values may center around religion, or the value of education, or the value of respect and kindness, or the value of taking care of our earth. In order for a value to become a part of your child there must be “rules, rituals and traditions” that follow these values. If religion is a value, your family might attend church together, participate in family prayer, and become involved in activities which reflect your beliefs. If education is a value, your family might read together, limit screen time and have rules regarding homework and effort in school. If kindness and respect are values, your family may have rules about conflict resolution, sharing, guidelines on the words that are spoken, and even family “missions” of kindness in the community.
Traditions and rituals are planned or intentional. These are family activities that have a purpose or meaning behind them and support your family values. Some are simply daily rituals, like bedtime routines and family dinners. Some are weekly rituals like Friday pizza nights or movie nights. Some occur with the season or with family milestones like the traditions of the holidays or 1st day of school pictures and birthdays. Some traditions are simply fun. These daily, weekly, and seasonal rituals and traditions tell your child what is important to your family. Some you plan to start…some happen accidentally and then you plan to repeat!
Creating your own special rituals and traditions now and repeating them throughout your child’s life will help your child feel secure, will provide stability, and a sense of pride and belonging to your family. Even during a family crises, the fact that a bedtime ritual or a Christmas celebration looks somewhat the same brings a sense of security and stability to a child and to you as a parent!
Four reasons tradition is important to a family:
1. Traditions help make life predictable. Rituals that are followed daily, weekly, and yearly such as family dinners, nightly stories, spring picnics, holiday songs etc. helps make children feel secure. Their world is often unpredictable—keeping things predictable at home gives security.
2. Traditions give families a time to connect. Life is busy and sometimes this can give families a feeling of disconnect. Family meals, stories, game nights etc. help us reconnect and start talking. Soon we know what is going on in our children’s lives. We know when there is exciting news, when there is difficulty, and when a child is happy or stressed. Traditions will also just bring simple fun….who doesn’t need a little of that!
3. Family traditions teach children family values. Service work, religious ceremonies, concern for the environment and many other values can be established through family traditions and rituals. These are values that when they are reinforced with traditional activities, your child will bring them with him to adulthood. The only way your child knows if something is valuable or important is through the activities that surround that value.
4. Traditions form a family identity and connection. A child who feels connected to his family may not look for other groups to identify with that may not be the best choice. All of us want to feel connected, and children will search for connection. Research shows us that children who have close family identity/connection have a better self image and are happier and more successful.
Traditions and rituals can be very simple…it is the act of repeating them, allowing them to change with your family’s “season in life” and keeping them fun that is key. If something is not fun or causes stress then let it go!
Don’t get hung up on creating the perfect rituals, let them happen naturally based on what your family enjoys and values. Many rituals and traditions just happen. The wonderful thing about a young family is that you have the opportunity to create your own unique family traditions and rituals from scratch. Some you will come up with on your own, some you will borrow from your childhood and some you will discard from your past, but the traditions you repeat will become part of who your unique family is.
Some suggestions to try during the holiday season:
- Take a drive in pajamas to see the holiday lights.
- Take a hike in a local park and find some natural decorations for your tree or to make other holiday decorations.
- Make a homemade Christmas tree ornament. Date it, and each year you will add to the collection.
- Bake Christmas cookies and share with friends and neighbors.
- Draw Secret Santas in the family. Each Secret Santa will complete a kind deed for the family member he or she drew.
- Have a traditional Christmas breakfast, or Christmas Eve dinner.
- Attend religious services together.
- Lay a piece of straw in the Baby Jesus’ bed each day if a child has done a good deed.
- Read a holiday story each night.
- Have a traditional Advent wreath or Advent calendar.
- Have a Christmas countdown chain. Make a construction paper chain and tear one link off each day until Christmas. Write an activity on each chain link that you will do that day.
- Camp out under your Christmas tree one night.
- Go caroling.
- Make a birthday cake for Jesus.
- String popcorn for your tree.
And the list can go on and on….share some of your favorite traditions and rituals!
Remember, family tradition endears your child to your family and establishes an everlasting family bond. The celebration, the meal, and the activities do not need to be perfect, the perfection comes from a celebration steeped in tradition and full of fun memories that draw a family together….that is perfection…
Take a breath, enjoy the joyful moments of each day, and remember you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.
Cindy
Some things never change!
Your “Mom words” never change! 🙂
I was on the phone at different times this week with each of our 4 children. After several of my conversations I realized that even though I am in a different season of parenting than many of you, my conversations can sometimes be very similar!
You: “Try a bite….yummmm. Try your squash.”
Me: “Sure that would be good. Just peel the squash, cut it up, toss it in some olive oil and stir fry it. It will be great in that pasta.”
You: “It is night-time, time for sleep. Close your eyes and tomorrow we will have fun!”
Me: “I know you are busy with classes and your project, but you need to get some sleep. You will feel better if you get 8 hours tonight! Crawl in bed early.”
You: ” You are frustrated with that puzzle piece not fitting…can Mommy help? Try it this way.”
Me: “Your tire is flat? That is one frustrating day! Take a breath, call Triple A and then find a Wal-Mart, they can fix the tire with the screw in it!”
You: “Yea! I am proud of you! You pottied like a big girl!”
Me: “I am so proud of you! This new career move is going to be so exciting for you. I can’t believe my “little girl” is heading to New York this week!”
You: “Careful, you are spilling on your nice shirt. Let’s take it off and then eat.”
Me: “No…don’t put that nice shirt in with those dark clothes; it probably should be dry cleaned. Just bring it home the next weekend you are coming home.”
You: “I love you so much.”
Me: “I love you so much.”
I have come to the conclusion that I will always talk like a Mom…saying some of the same things just slightly different, offering my Mom wisdom, my Mom ear, my Mom advice, and most importantly my Mom love….and I love that fact, because I love being a Mom. TGIF, enjoy where you are at this moment. Remember, there are only 940 Fridays between the birth of a child and when that child leaves for college! Love today, today.
Take a breath, enjoy the joyful moments of each day, and remember you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent.
Cindy
raisingkidswithlove 